I broke up with Facebook this week. We might get back together but for now we’re not talking. Our relationship has been on the rocks for awhile anyway. Maybe you can relate to the ups and downs she’s put me through.
Can’t beat the price
Facebook is free because they want my data. I know that they see everything I write, picture I post, post I “like” and frankly I don’t care. They use that data for all kind of stuff (especially advertising). I’d rather see an add for an Apple product b/c Facebook figured out I’m a Mac fanboy than an ad for Farmville because I happen to be on the internet. They can have my data in exchange for using the service. They could do a better job with privacy settings but overall Facebook uses what I give them and what I give them is up to me. For my data they give me connections with pretty much every person from my past (except for one who has totally disappeared off the map).
Popularity isn’t as good as it looks
There was a time when I was adding several friends a week to my profile. Now I don’t usually add anyone. I can’t maintain the connections I already have so I’m not adding any more. It was fun to get thousands of “friends” and then my wife and I had a conversation about our family’s privacy. Frankly I’m not concerned about someone knowing where I live or when I travel. I’m more bothered by admirers than enemies. I’ve had a few women who have “liked” every single thing I post on Facebook which is creepy, not flattering. The problem with having a lot of friends on Facebook is that it dilutes the purpose.
When I was a boy I loved baseball cards. One day I traveled with a friend to a baseball card shop out of town. It was a big deal and we were very excited to spend several hours looking at cards we had never seen in person. Then the shop owner asked me to trade one of my cards for 3,000 other cards. At first it sounded too good to be true but he assured me he would trade me my one card for 3,000 cards from a specific sport. I said yes and gave him my card. He brought out a box too large for me to comfortably carry more than three feet filled with completely junk hockey cards. I knew jack squat about hockey players. 3000 were worth less than one. It’s not the amount of something that matters as much as the quality in most cases. Facebook is the same way. The more the merrier does not apply.
My timeline was filled with people I knew nothing of and had no interest or ability to get to know. We all have a limited relational capacity and Facebook is a prime place to see that limited capacity in action. The more “friends” I had the less I liked checking my account and the more comments I would get from people I had no relational context with. How do you correspond with strangers when they say something nice about your kids or disagree with your opinion? It all became a distraction.
The addiction
The internet has rewired your brain. Forget trying to read a book, just try to read a magazine article. You’ll likely have a hard time reading every word. If you finish it’s because you skipped entire paragraphs and read the first sentence of several but then skipped rest of the paragraph. We are skimmers. We don’t drink deeply from the well of ideas anymore. We’ve lost the capacity for substantive conversation and thought because there’s too much data and not enough time to consume it. The addiction to checking that account became ridiculous. It became one of my home pages on my browser and took place as one of the main apps on my iPhone. I went there every hour, often more. I had nothing good to show for this. I was not growing deeper in relationships, greater in knowledge or finding more joy. The tool was mastering me.
You can’t update the moment and live in it the same time
I was forcing my kids to stop living so I could update my status. Like the countless Olympians I watched at last night’s closing ceremony in London capturing the experience on their camera as they walked around the track we miss moments because we’re busy documenting them. My advice is this. Put the phone down and live the moment. Document your life less and live in it more. Perhaps you can snap pictures throughout the day and when you have some down time you can upload the pictures. We often interrupt the beauty of the moment to update our virtual world on what’s happening. Facebook causes us to pay less attention to the moments. It tricks us into believing we’re present because we’re capturing it through a picture or comment but in reality we’re more journalist than participant. Journalists don’t experience events in the same way participants do. We can’t soak up the full scope of days when we’re constantly interrupting them to update our virtual life. It’s a different experience and in my opinion a less rich one.
Your work will suffer
Distraction is not good for your work. Your “friends” emotional dissatisfaction with Mitt Romney’s VP pick or the loss of their pet is not good for your work. The rant from the woman about her ex-husband posted to her 500 closest friends is not good for your work. Facebook may be good for mental relief and that can be a good thing but consistently interrupting your work to enter into the the world of Facebook will most often do much more harm than good. The pull of Facebook is that every update is from someone you’ve said yes to. You had to accept them into your profile so you feel compelled to read what they write. Would you ever expect to be a part of every conversation going on in a room? No. Facebook compels us to be a part of conversations that we’d normally never engage it. It’s a fire hose of information and our capacity to consume will never match the information it produces. You’ll never catch up or get a handle on it. Your work will suffer because Facebook is like a drug. The more we do it the less satisfied we become so we believe just a little more is the answer. You want proof? Do you like Facebook the more you use it? Do you like it more the more friends you have? Do you spend more time on it than you did a year ago? Does it make you happier? Most importantly does it make you better?
Garbage in, garbage out
When someone updates their wall telling me what a moron the President of the United States is or that Mitt Romney is evil (newsflash, we’re all evil) I’m entering into that conversation. When I read about a woman trashing her ex-husband, a young relative lamenting that he’s home alone on a Friday night, or a guy who whines about his job before he goes to work and as soon as he comes home from it then I’m taking in garbage. It’s emotional content that does no good.
My wife and I choose not to watch certain television shows (all but one show actually) because they’re garbage. I’m not sure when our culture decided watching an hour of action packed murder and rape stories (CSI anything) was entertainment. In the same way when did it become healthy to try and maintain 500 relationships through typing messages on a web site? Facebook can certainly be fun and interesting but I’m not sure it’s really good for relationships. More is not better, it’s just more.
Friends or “Facebook Friends”?
Facebook has contributed to a dilution of relationships. It’s become a place for us to have relationships with people we never would otherwise. At first glance that seems like a good thing until we realize that we’re emotionally connected to people we never really talk to. What happens to us when most of our relationships are filtered through a web site? I would submit a lack of depth is the greatest hallmark of on-line relationships so the more “friends” we add the less depth we will experience.
What will you miss?
You don’t know the value of something until you take it away. I’m taking away Facebook for a week and I’m going to be paying attention to how my thinking, my attitude, my attention, my creativity and my relationships change. I’m staying on Twitter because Twitter has a 140 character limit and I’m very comfortable with the filters I’ve set up to see the content I want to see. I’ll still have plenty of contact with others using email, my phone and this thing called conversation. In other words there are still plenty of ways to communicate with the outside world without being on Facebook. I’ll let you know how it goes.
NOTE: This does not apply to you if…
I hate talking about the weather. In other words I have very little tolerance for small talk. I want depth in my relationships so surface talk is mostly annoying to me. Facebook is mostly surface talk and many people love the surface. I’m just not one of them. Maybe Facebook just isn’t the right place for depth. If that’s the case then I’ll probably never be as active on Facebook as I once was. You can’t expect something some something that it’s not capable of giving. If you love Facebook you’re not shallow or less of a person, you just have a different experience than I do with the site. I wrote this post to make you think not to convince you to agree with me.
My name is Andy Traub and I help people tell their stories in a way that maximizes their impact. If you'd like to create your own custom channel to reach the world then I can help. Just 
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Andy, I agree with pretty much all of your points here.
I think i was actually saying YES! outloud when I read the portion on skimming. I think we need to try to reclaim that and really dive into ideas.
The only thing keeping me on facebook is my family. It has pretty much become the best way to stay connected with them. Perhaps it’s time to really filter through my connections if that’s the reason i’m going to keep it.
Andy,
I understand where you’re coming from. Years ago I mostly connected with family and people I knew in real life. Now I’ve let people I haven’t seen in 20 years become part of my life again. Perhaps it’s time to trim the fat once more.
We did the trade and then I think he realized how cruel it was so he let me have my card back. I was probably 8 but I remember it like it was yesterday. Lesson learned…mostly.
Great insight. I remember some time back you posted on facebook that you went through and updated (removed) friends. Did you feel like that help resolve some of the issues you had?
Like you, I could do without 95% of the post I see on facebook. Yet I still tend to spend hours sifting through it to maybe come across something that interests me. I do however enjoy seeing pictures/video of family and friends I normally elsewise wouldnt, (although you can even argue that has become over board) Having a family yourself, what will be the alternative for you to share their growing with family?
The other issue will become trying to live in a society where having a facebook is standard. Programs and new software are being designed around people having a facebook account. In the past I sign up for new apps or software via my facebook account. I know there are alternatives but out is sometimes easier. Maybe it is not the best analogy but will not having facebook, be like not having cell phone and only having a land line? or maybe that is the point.
No, it didn’t really solve it Aaron. There are friends and family that I love but what they put on FB distracts me. I’m not sure what the solution is but starting over in some way will help. Again, I’ve lost perspective so I’m starting over next week after some time away.
The land line is a good analogy. The old worked well and the new can be total overkill. I’ve considered getting away from a “smart phone” as well. The key is to ask “why am I doing this?” instead of just doing it because you’ve done it.
So for once my being behind the times (not on Facebook) is catching on? Great post Andy. I’m sharing that to a number of Facebook addicts I know. But I am dying to know – did you actually make the trade for the hockey cards?
Dear Andy
Very very well said, sir.
I had avoided FB for many years until about a month ago. It was amazing how many ‘friends’ came out of the woodwork. Fortunately I have kept my network of friends pretty small and local with similar interests. However I think it is creepy when a friend’s teenage daughter wants to be friends with me. Sorry…not playing that game. I did not ‘friend’ her.
I can see how/why many can get hooked on it in short order. I have had to force my own time limits on it so I can “ship.”
More important than shipping…Last week, I listened to a podcast of a sermon given on marriage. The priest mentioned that in some large percentage (the value escapes me now) of divorce filings, the word Facebook came up. Knowing our mutual hatred of that word and even more hatred of the action, it certainly warrants great caution.
Thanks for the post, Andy. I hope your mortification for this week is fruitful. Please pass on your thoughts next week.
Marc
Facebook helps divorces happen. True.
The weather in Nashville is beautiful today. Too bad we can’t talk about it.
You can always email me about that important fact. Nicely said my friend.
Interesting reasoning and post, Andy.
I cut my Facebook friend list to 33 people from 500. I live 500 miles from my family of origin and it is a simple way to connect with them and share with them and a short list of friends what is going on in life here in Atlanta. I also share pics of my daughter via FB with them!
Greg
I deleted about 200 people today. Plenty more to go. Good call on your part.
I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one having “less” friends on facebook.
My friend list count has always stayed in 50s. It maxed to 67 once, but then again I deleted few friends after some time (friends who just add me and then never ever mention even a single “hi”).
Why the hell take the trouble of adding me, if you don’t wanna even say hi, hello!
I would say my experiences with Facebook have been negative. Or at least for the most part, worthless. I’ve been trying to clean up and purge my online life lately, which has included deleting a handful of different accounts and ditching my iPhone for a basic messaging phone. I think my next target is to purge my Facebook profile and from there see it’s worth keeping active. Great thoughts. Good luck!
Sounds like you’re ahead of me. Well done.
I have less than 200 friends on facebook. I am friends with people that I either know in real life (and not just superficially, but people I would have conversation with) and have over to my house for dinner or would have over to dinner if they were closer.
That means that there are even family members that I don’t have on my friends list, because I’m not close to them. I post a lot, and do so from my iPhone, but I don’t keep my iPhone out at all times.
I don’t always catch that great video or take the perfect shot that I sometimes wish I did, but I have the memories instead. If we’re on vacation, I might do some checking of facebook/twitter if we have down time and everyone else is resting, but I consciously make it a point to keep it put away while we’re actually doing things, other than the occasional photo, which I either post at the end of the day or the end of the vacation.
I want to be like you.
I agree with you about the productivity aspect. As a writer, I need to write before I read or interact with the Internet. Once I open Facebook… It’s all over. I’m going to try an experiment this week. No Facebook until I write a thousand words…
I can feel the addiction already…
Thanks for this post, Andy! I’ve successfully resisted FB and am encouraged to continue avoiding it. It has always struck me as 1/4″ deep and 4 miles wide. Real conversations with real friends are much more my style.
Then, all the marketing folks say it is a REQUIREMENT for those of us who are self-employed. No thanks – how would I get my work done??
Thanks again for the reinforcement (and I’ll resist telling you about the weather in Central California this week, because no one likes a whiner, especially a small-talk-whiner)
Jana, we still want to convince you to join the gang on Twitter. Less conversations about the weather and lots of funny, witty and encouraging threads going on there. :0)
Aw shucks, thanks, Lily. It would be very fun, but without a “smart phone”, I’d constantly be putting down my paintbrushes and checking the computer and then I’d get paint on it and then I’d have to spend time cleaning it off and then I’d NEVER get any work finished. But you make me feel wanted and warm and fuzzy.
I really like your post, Andy. I agree. For me it’s fun to see pictures of my family and real-life friends who live quite far away and who I may not see in person for a long time. I’ve tried to trim down my online activity and Facebook is now more a distraction than anything. I stopped posting for two weeks and no one even noticed. It stopped being fun the minute people think “anything goes”. I’m definitely going through my list and deleting those who I would not invite over for dinner or for that matter who wouldn’t invite me either. Time is too precious and better spent in many other ways.
Well done post. Between this and the No More Monday’s podcast (http://nmmshow.libsyn.com/fed-up-with-facebook-august-13-2012?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+nomoremondaysshow+%28No+More+Mondays+Show%29&utm_content=FeedBurner) on this I did see as the updating at that moment as not a good thing. I am guilty of it. Take less pictures and they do not upload right then. Yes it fun to get people commenting on what you are doing then, but I do not see it as healthy. Even if the people who are commenting on it are great friends, you are with other family/friends and they deserve that our full attention. Upload the pictures later that day or at the end of the trip. Do not edit things then and there. Thinking about it now, I view it is as better to post stuff at the end the trip. Treat pictures and many posts as we would as with a digital camera and post them when we have time alone. When it comes to Twitter as it is short, if around people I will say something along the lines of “let me write down this quote.” Sometimes I post it then or sometimes I really am putting it in my note section of stuff to post or be Buffered.
As far as Facebook exclusively, it is not my cup of tea. At one point a couple year or so ago I deleted my account completely and just stayed on Twitter. Eventually I went back as none of my in person friends were on Twitter. I am also involved with different church things and wanted to reflect a light there and have a presence with pages we have for different things.
Just looking at I have a 150 “friends,” which I could still weed down if I cared to. So for me it is not a big thing. Most of my posts are fed over from Twitter and I will make comments on some statuses to still have a real presence there. I do not “like” anything minus bands and few people (such Dave Ramsey) so as yo spread their messages when I can.
Bottom line:
- Less pictures that pull out of the moment.
- Update your status later – Instead of “out to coffee with @andytruab” have “had a great time going to coffee with @andytruab”
- Edit you list so that it does not overtake your time and that you are getting beneficial material you want. – Twitter: Unfollow people if they are negative. Facebook: Unfollow or block from seeing them. Blocking seems a bit shady, but I have just so I can occasionally go give them some positive material.
As I think was said, ask “why am I here?”
Thank you for the opportunity to think this out for myself.
K, bye
Dang, good stuff brother. Thanks for the clarity and action points. Very helpful.
Andy,
I cut down my ‘Friends’ to 300. I wasn’t going for a specific number, but was only going by these criteria:
1. Are you family?
2. Do I know you?
3. Do I still want to know you?
After that, I did actually pull some annoying family members, some people that know me, and some people that I do want to still know, but are not posting anything beneficial to me. Some I just hid from my newsfeed.
The other side to the coin is the time I spend there. I am trying to regulate that down to once or twice a day, for no more than 10 minutes, and with a streamlined crowd in my newsfeed, I see anything important.
I’m also trying to find ways to do better with deepening the relationships I have with those people on Facebook to where our relationship is not based on what we share with each other on that site. That’s NOT a relationship.
http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1306852510801_4047931.png
K, bye
Love it.
I just deleted my FB account 2 weeks ago. Contrary to what I thought would happen, I don’t feel like I’ve missed a thing. I’ll join you in recommending it.
Been on a few times in the last week. DOn’t like it.
This is interesting that i came across this today, I pulled it off my iPhone earlier this week after mowing the lawn listening to Dan Miller and I realized I was additively and out of habit checking the FB. Weird for the first few days.
The bit about using FB to document things for your kids, is humorous because I am not sure of how you would actually get that info and picture back.
Comical .
Bye facebook
PS Parenthood is a great show, question: how often do you find yourself pausing the show to say to your wife thats your brother or wow, thats my sister…?
I really use twitter to document my kids more than Facebook but u an export all your pictures off of both services. We can’t pause our tv. We don’t pay for it. We just use an antenna. Old school.
Btw, I check FB once a day now. Don’t need much more than that. Thx for commenting too.
- i’ve been waiting for someone like you!
- of course ironically your article was posted on fb by one of my friends
- in truth, reading facebook equally often leaves me feeling lonelier, anyone else?
thanks
THx Patti. Great words.
LOVED this article, Andy. Well said. I wish more people would read it & heed. it. The tho.g I hate most about FB is the fact that they essentially “own” & have access to. everything you post & can do anything they want with it. TOO many people don’t take the time to read the FB fine print. Emily from WI.